In my drafts, this post was originally called 'Easy + Breezy,' but as I write this, I feel neither easy nor breezy. I feel overwhelmed. Massively overwhelmed. And that feeling only intensifies as graduation approaches - online shopping and obsessive iCal planning barely mitigate the stress.
As my funds with which to shop dwindle, I remain unemployed, I realize the difficulties of potentially starting my own business, and I face the requirement of financial independence, the gravity of graduation sets in. No longer is it something I feel "so ready!!!!" for, it's an accomplishment I almost dread. More than anything, it feels like another box to be checked in order to be "ready" for the "real world," where there's one last box for me: "get a job." I've seriously considered graduate school for the sole purpose of delaying that ominous real world of rent, phone bills, taxes and devastatingly underwhelming salaries.
Yes, the bills and the 9 to 5s scare me, but not as much as the possibility that I'll make the wrong decision come graduation: I'll move to the wrong city (for the wrong reasons), choose the wrong industry, take the wrong job, pick the wrong benefits package. For even as defined as the post-grad life can seem - move to a new city, find a job, go to that job then go to happy hour - there's this unprecedented amount of autonomy for the first time in life, and I'm so scared I'll make the wrong decision. That things won't work out exactly the way they're supposed to.
Of course, they will. So I think the fear is actually more directed at things not working out exactly the way I want them to. That I'll struggle, that I'll make mistakes, that my heart will be broken, that I'll fail, that life won't look exactly the way I want it to. Which is crazy, because I barely have an idea what I want life to look like.
And so, in three steps, I lose my cool: 1) realize graduation is approaching, 2) not have a job, 3) blog about a dress that's no longer available. Regaining that cool it is a little more complicated. Realizing that I'm not the only one experiencing these anxieties is certainly helpful, as is knowing that everything will work out exactly the way it's supposed to be and what's in store is better than anything I could imagine. If you have any job opportunities, hit me up.